I suppose in any situation there will be there outcomes: What if this doesn’t work? What if this does? What if this stays the same?
Tonight, I spent the night packing up my belongings with my boyfriend, Jason. I am not a hoarder of things. Far from it actually. However, as we are going through my kitchen saying “keep yours or mine?” My mind began to calculate the risk that is actually involved with this move. Oh, this is real.
What if this doesn’t work? I should keep everything. That way, when I come back, if things aren’t the way we've planned, life can go on as usual. At least my kitchen will. I will still be able to cook.
Okay, wait…. Stop right there.
I found my mind drifting to this place tonight. It made me self conscious, doubting and instead of living in possibility, I lived in the world of back-up plans. The past decade of my life has been spent here. If I am going to let my mind wander into the “what if this doesn’t work?” then I should just stay put. The idea of embarking on an adventure, relationship, or even a day with a predetermined “what if this doesn’t work?” mentality is a situation I refuse to put myself into, again.
As I am packing up my kitchen, watching Jason help me make decisions about what spatulas to keep, I choose to live in the space of, “I cannot believe, I get to do this.” Will it work with Jason? I sure as hell hope and think so. I will continue to put my heart forward as though it will. He has given me every reason to do so thus far.
As I am packing my spice drawer, I am thinking to myself, “Spices are a bit expensive. What happens if I am so poor when I return that I can’t afford these?” Stop. I threw them away (most were approaching due dates anyways). What about the couch, the table the, the, the, the….? Stop.
It is all stuff, it can all be replaced. Experiencing this moment while I can and taking it for everything it is worth? That cannot be replaced. If I come back poor, I will be rich with stories.
I fully believe that Jason and I will come back being the strongest, best form of ourselves and a couple that we have been yet.
Of all of the questions, my biggest fear is asking myself, “what if you would have?”
What if I would have given my whole heart to the relationship? What if I would have not thought about the repercussions of my giving up my mixer and looked in the future with eyes full of potential, possibility and curiosity?
That is what this is about. Dismantling the "what if" and replacing it with potential, possibility and curiosity.